R. Goode & The Man Who Sent Self-Awareness to the Dogs

You've at least heard of The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, the Oliver Sacks novel where you get to read about all the strange and wondrous people Sacks worked with as a neurologist. The man who did mistake his wife for a hat (made annoyingly into an opera by Michael Nyman in 1986) had something called visual agnosia. Oh, Oliver, how I wish you were with me on January 20, 2008. I made the acquaintance of a man in need of a diagnosis, sitting Center Right, Row F, Seat 122 at Orchestra Hall. Even with my lack of neurological training I believe I correctly identify in him the rare, not-quite-human condition called, I-React-Strongly-And-Loudly-To-Absolutely-Anything-Just-Try-Me. 

The galleries at Orchestra Hall are, it's probably fair to say, a place where you need to expect the unexpected. Children bark like dogs, and you--you're hovering in your seat 3 miles off the ground. Strange things begin to happen. Below me, Richard Goode walks onstage looking like William Pitt the Younger about to deliver a speech on parliamentary reform--is that a powdered wig?

When the Hall lights dimmed to alert the gallery tenants that the show was starting, the seat on my left remained unoccupied. Down the aisle to my right, however, a new spectator had just come into view, straining to see where might his seat be. There were open chairs plainly available at the far right end of my aisle, but he would not be happy there. Ah, no, only the chair to my left would do. Clearly overcome by a journey that drew him past many knees, my new neighbor sat heavily in the seat to my left, declaring at top volume, "hm-mm-mm!" Then, turning to the stage, He with heavy disapproval muttered, "mm-gmm!" For the next hour, this involuntary audio accompanied every aspect of poor Mr. Goode's performance. 

Goode's Bach, no doubt, only revealed the depth of his musical ignorance: "Mn-ruhm!" (Puh-lease!) Goode paused too long turning a page: "mm-nm-ay-rrggmm?" (Can he really be using a score?!) Goode paused too long between movements of the Beethoven: "MM-mmmk!" (What can he be thinking?!) Of what use is plain, good English when cave-speak will do as well?

Needless to say, it was a short concert for me.